Mr. Sandwich: We’ll try to strike a happy medium between oppressive control and Lord of the Flies chaos.
Me: I miss Brontosaurus.
Mr. Sandwich: What do you mean?
Me: They got rid of them. Now they’re Apatosaurus.
Mr. Sandwich: What? Why?
Me: Some kind of nomenclature thing.
Mr. Sandwich: F*%k these “Pluto’s not a planet” people.
Mr. Sandwich: The flooring in Gwyneth Paltrow’s home is made of stones from a Peruvian schoolhouse. In other news, the Peruvian children are now going to school in a tent.
Mr. Sandwich: “Toddler injured by piranhas?” Who lets a baby play near a piranha tank? Well, we are officially not the worst parents ever.